Q: No Tears?

DMC: This one is difficult to explain.

Q: Quite difficult to listen to I would suggest.

DMC: What do you mean by that?

Q: Well. the sound is quite muddy. It sounds as if the singer is being suffocated by a pillow throughout.

DMC: Really?

Q: Yes. what effect were you trying here?

DMC: Well….excuse me! (steve martin reference) I’ve got certain limitations. you know I lost all my recording equipment in a fire a few months back, right? i assume you did some research before coming here today or would that be a dangerous assumption in this day and age? That a journalist would actually find out shit about his interviewee and know the facts!

Q: I did in fact research…but…

DMC: oh…well done! (sarcastic tone) well done sir!

(awkward silence for a few seconds as the two men with nothing at stake but shrivelling male pride stare at each other.)

Q: Ok, let’s start over, backtrack. Can I ask you…?

DMC: Sure! do your fuckin job!

Q: So this is a very crude, basic recording, almost mono feel to it…

DMC: Well correct, it is a demo. It’s not the finished article. It’s a sketch, a drawing of what could be. once I get some new gear. I used some shitty free effects software, the song was recorded straight through a laptop mic. primitive as fuck.

Q: I see. This song is about someone in particular? a woman perhaps?

DMC: Jesus, sherlock. they are all about women. How long have you been writing about music? or even listening to music. 99.9% of popular music, songs, music is about or inspired by love of one kind or another. am I wrong? (looks at personal assistant cowering in the corner. she/he nods sheepishly in agreement.)

Q: 99.9%. That sounds made up.

DMC: 99.9% sounds made up? are you takin the piss mate? did you go to fuckin school or what? percentages? numbers? maths fo fucks sake! 99.9% exists!!

Q: No. I should have been more clear there. I mean, that’s unlikely, that 99.9% of all songs and music in existence are about love.

DMC: Oh yeah? Can you prove it? with your excellent research skills?

Q: as a matter of fact… (smug self-referentiality)

DMC: Fact? ha! Are you havin a a fuckin laugh? I don’t want to hear it mate. i kow about music. you know fuck all! I am right! end of. can we talk about the song now, jesus! (sips his evian bottled water as if clutching a lifesaving device)

Q: actually… (glances over at DMC’s PA but in a patronising smug music journo manner) can i get a water? evian?

DMC: Can we get this over with? i’ve got an enema and hot yoga sesh to be doin before tonight.

Q: Uhmmm… what’s left to discuss? no tears? It’s not exactly paradise lost now is it?

DMC: (stares in disbelief at such cocky twat faced provocation) you are such a…. prick.