Ah yes, batman v superman: dawn of justice or as it should be known; where primary colours fear to tread.

I had disavowed the comic book film genre, promising myself not to concede to the inner child and see this beast of a movie but the heat here in valencia wore me down and I opted to head indoors and view the thing in Spanish to improve me linguistics.

In any case, such a visually overwhelming product as batman v superman should work as a pure cinematic experience without banal profundities growled ad infinitum in whatever language.

To keep it brief, this is one hell of a mess. Three or four different movies piled into one, both a total compromise and totally uncompromising in ways that ugly, brutal, lazy, misjudged and just who the fuck is this for? No fun to be had here viewers. There are isolated flickers throughout when Snyder and his team achieve a sense of operatic camp as hans Zimmer and junkie xl’s OTT score hints at what the film could and should have been but the directors attention is too focused on maintaining the grim aesthetic of the Chris Nolan approved man of steel and shunting his characters awkwardly towards the inevitable (yawn!) justice league movie.

The result is neither a superman nor batman movie with their much hyped duel a tedious, brief affair soon forgotten about once another hastily developed plot thread is introduced involving jesse eisen bergs gurning lex Luthor jr leading to another apocalyptic Snyder esque battle with a default monster in a curiously vacuum packed depopulated city plucked from a computer game.

One feels this should have been a superman movie and a entertaining one, to make up up for the botch job on man of steel. That movie had promise and scattered scenes that understood and plugged into supermans potent mythological currents. And here, briefly there are are bold, beautiful images – supes dragging an oil tanker across an artic landscape or hailed as a god like deity after saving a child at the Mexican day of the dead – , hints of zimmers  superman theme but just when you think it’s gonna fly, it remains firmly stuck in the grim, grey, heavy muck.

And it didn’t improve my Spanish none.